It's been so long..

I tried to be positive, to stop thinking about it. but as much as I tried to convince myself and others that I am a bigger person now.. I failed. It's useless for my friends, my companions, or whoever it is, to continue repeating that I'm gorgeous, that "I'm fine the way I am", I don't believe in what they say and I also don't care. It's not their judgment that changes my behavior towards myself. I've always hated myself, and their stupid occasional words won't change a thing about my way of thinking. I may have stopped complaining about this, but it never left my mind.

They can also be quiet and watch or listen more. Maybe, most often, we do not realize that the people around us have so much to tell, but for fear of being judged they keep everything for themselves.

You are the only one who has been able to settle the storm inside of me

"I'm not an easy person to love. Some days I will whisper how beautiful you are while planting gentle kisses all over your body. You will giggle and try to fight me off and in that moment my heart will have never felt so light. But other days when my mind is a storm cloud threatening to explode, I will be a bundle of emotions that I cannot quite keep contained. I will be cold, distant and you will look at me like I am not the same person you fell in love with. I am a broken light switch. My moods flicker without anyone flipping me on and off. I wake up each morning and wonder which me you will encounter that day. I always hope it is the one who makes you want to stick around. I am not easy to love. But what I need you to understand is that whether there is a war waging inside of my mind or I am the kind person that you adore, I will always love you. I will love you in the morning. I will love you when you cry. I will love you when I am angri. I will love you when you're being stubborn. I will love you when I don't even love myself. I will love you. I know that there will be days when you want to give up on me but I am asking you, please don't. You see, you are the only one who has been able to settle the storm inside of me before I even realize it is surfacing. I am not easy to love, but I promise that I will always put a fight. And I will love you no matter which me my light switch flips on that day. "

source: chickkyyychickk

Do you know that feeling when you feel like collapsing?

When you have no strength to carry on? When a fake smile in front of  hundred of people isn't enough anymore? Do you know that feeling of emptiness, that feeling of perpetual insecurity? That need for someone to help you and you basically try to scream, you try to say "help me because I'm drowning" , but nothing comes out from your mouth, just a mere sound that no one ever hears. 

Do you know that point in life where you have to make a lot of choices and you have so many roads that you can take, but you never know which one is the right one. And it's true that life is a risk, it's true that sometimes you just have to let yourself go, that you have to stop thinking sometimes. But it's also true that if you mess up , you drown.. and I'm sick of drowning.. So I don't want to make any mistakes anymore, even if it's in the human nature. I want to go on calmly.

 I want to put myself on the first place, to take care of myself. But how could I do that? After seventeen years of trying to always make others happy instead of myself. I always thought that being aroung people that smile, and knowing I was the reason for that smile, even partially, was a great thing.  Knowing that someone smiles thanks to me is something that makes me feel good. The real problems come when I find myself late at night, in bed and do nothing but think about what went wrong during the day , what I did wrong.

"Being alone isn't as sad as feeling alone". It is as if in a hundred people ready to start a conversation there was one on the sideline, me. One that frankly would like to talk but can't, one that would tell her problems but is larger mentally. I used to believe that it's enough to look into someone eyes to make them understand how I feel. But I get it now, people want you to tell them straight in the face " I need you right now. I need to talk about how I feel" . I believe it's a pity to not be able to understand each other from only the looks one gives or the gestures one makes. We're already a generation of dead people. Dead emotions. The only thing that makes one happy, nowadays, is to get lost in technology. We all stand there in front of that stupid screen. Our face is dead, lost, always the same.

So forgive me if when you ask me how I am I say I'm a little good but perhaps a little bad. Sorry if I'm not joking around, I barely laugh, sorry for my childish behavior, sorry for my strange moments but most of all I'm sorry I don't tell you that I need you to listen to me. Sorry, but believe me sometimes I think "she will understand", but eventually you do not understand and I'm not able to talk. Even when you're wrong I'd like to scream into your face but my voice vanishes suddenly. It must be a matter of personality.

But despite all these, thank you. Thank you for all the moments when you're there for me, for the moments when you do everything just to make me laugh. Thank you.

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Homophobia

Homophobia is a scourge of society that snakes since childhood.

The education given to children also includes hatered, intolerance and disrespect. If a person was raised in a family full of serenity and love, that person won't go around to make fun of gay people, to harass them or to disfigure their dignity. A fifteen-year-old boy was buried alive just because he was gay. What did he do wrong?

I don't understand what's wrong with being gay. So what if I love a woman instead of a man? Why are some of you so angry, so offended? What did we take from your shitty life? What did we do to hurt or offend you? You get offended just because two girls or two boys hold hands while walking down the street, or they kiss or simply laugh together. You watch us with hatered and disgust, but you have no one who loves you. How much do we weigh on your lives? Less than zero. We weigh nothing on your lives. The absolute nothingness. You go live your miserable life and let us be happy.

The joy of living will never make you notice the „diversity”, isn't it? Your mind and heart will always be busy thinking about tomorrow. About your job, your family, love. There's no time for gay people.

You don't notice, but gay people walk down the street just like you, they pass you by in public transports, they dance next to you in clubs, they drink something at the bar you go with your friends, they smile at you when you're in a shop paying for that something you bought.

Gay people grow up just like you. But some of them didn't make it, they didn't become an adult. A boy commits suicide because he's gay, because he is ignored and ridiculed by his classmates, because he does not know how to tell his parents he is gay because he thinks they wouldn't accept it. A boy commits suicide and so do many others. Blame it on homophobia.

All of you know that. You read it in the newspaper or on the web, you hear it on the news. They talk about one today, tomorrow another one and everything will be forgoten the next day. Everyone forgets, but we don't. We don't forget about the harassment, the ignorance and we hide. We hide because we don't trust none of you. But how could we anyway? It's 2013 and people still laugh about gay people. People still find it outrageous for a man to dress like a woman. They still question theirselves if the girl with short hair and no make up is a lesbian. But let me tell you that the way a girl decides to look doesn't define her sexual orientation. Oh and mothers; mothers are still afraid that their child will confess their real sexual orientation. There might not be an end to this. 

Everyday I ask myself „why?” Why do they think it's wrong being gay? Why is it unacceptable? 

No one ever came with a concrete answer.

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A world so hateful, some would rather die than be who they are.

I just watched this short film that made me cry and whoever you are, you should watch it too and learn from it. This may be a little exaggerate, but there still are people that are bullied for being different. No one should ever be treated like that, you never know what might happen. 

This is awful and thinking that this is actually happening every day is even worse. That people are bullied because of their sexuality is just so wrong! One can not decide who he/she is falling in love with, it's just something that happens. "We do no fall in love with the gender, but the person" 

Interesting point this video raises is that society is so twisted in its viewpoint on homosexuality that we have to change it to make it more relatable to us, by questioning "What if they were straight and straight were gay?"

My heart goes out to all that have to go through this, no one deserves it.

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